Internal Dictator Syndrome
When Self-Discipline Becomes Self-Sabotage
We all have inner voices — some helpful, others harsh. For much of my life, I listened to one above all others: the one that measured worth in effort, and demanded perfection at any cost. I call it Internal Dictator Syndrome. This essay is my attempt to understand it and its origins — and begin healing from it.
Part 1: Understanding the Voices of the Republic
A few months ago I took the Gallup Survey, CliftonStrengths-34, as part of a team building activity at work. Our lead thought it would be great to have some additional context to what strengths each member of our team had, and use them to inform her, and others how each member of the team works best. In this personality test, you are asked to rate paired statements about yourself, that indicate which are your more dominant traits and characteristics. There are a total of 177 questions that you answer on a range of statements, and then as a result, you get a chart that identifies your strengths out of 34 themes. These “themes” are personality characteristics that drive the way you deal with and behave in different situations.
After completing the test, I got an email with a 30 page PDF outlining my results and analyzing the unique blend of themes that the test says I have. To be honest, I wasn’t all that interested in what it had to say, but because we were doing a team meeting where we presented our reports to one another, I started grazing through it.
The number one theme/trait that the assessment said was my strength was, Responsibility.
How you Thrive: You take psychological ownership of what you say you will do. You are committed to stable values such as honesty and loyalty.
Insights: Chances are good that you are a person whose work ethic is as much a matter of conscience as it is a matter of completing tasks. You undoubtedly need to do what you know is right, honest, true, correct, proper, and accurate. It’s very likely that you are sometimes internally motivated to reach your goals as an individual performer. You might push yourself to excel by recalling the obligations you accepted or the promises you made.
At face value, this seems like a wonderful trait to have as a human. Or you might read that and say, “oh yeah, I bet he’s one of those hard chargers, always being productive, can’t sit still.” I’m extremely grateful for the psychological makeup I was born with and the nurturing my parents gave me. But for my own growth and healing, I have to acknowledge the yin to this yang of my personality.
During the team meeting, as I was explaining my survey results, I made the following comment in regards to my responsibility results. “You can hold me to any standard you want. But I’m already holding myself to a higher one. You can yell at me for not being good enough, but I’m already yelling at myself louder than that, so you’re just wasting your breath.”
I was not expressing that sentiment from a place of superiority. Quite the opposite, I was highlighting the glitch my ‘responsibility theme’ can manifest when the wires aren’t sorted correctly. As aware as I am of my disposition towards the negative end of this personality trait, I’m admittedly struggling to change it.
Though I’m sure not everyone reading this article would label themselves a perfectionist or even an overly ambitious person. That’s ok. Where I think we can all relate though is identifying that inner voice in our head that seems to dominate our self-chatter (internal thoughts), but doesn’t actually benefit us in the aggregate that we perceive it to.
This article is not intended to have a thesis that culminates in a tidy conclusion that packages up all the tools and practices one can do to fix that inner voice. Rather I hope the following observations, stories, and comments raise awareness to you the reader, that humans do in fact have different internal voices. It’s not about eliminating the voice or telling it to shut up, but being aware of when it’s dominating or being prioritized at the expense of our long term well-being.
Without getting extremely philosophical or psychological, we each have a committee of distinct inner voices. Many times ranging from three to seven unique personalities/voices. The way I think is probably different from how you think, but when I’m listening to my thoughts I ‘hear’ the same tone of voice. Though the tone of the voice in my head always sounded the same, over time I’ve learned to distinguish the different ‘characters’ behind the thoughts.
My first introduction to ‘separating’ thoughts came from the book “Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts,” when I was learning about Pure-O OCD and the normalcy of humans having intrusive thoughts. The author, Sally Winston, does a phenomenal job capturing the internal dialect of an individual, and calling out how they really are different parts of our psyche talking to us.
There are multiple other inner voices labeled by psychologist, but the three main prominent ones in this book are Worried Voice, the anxious narrator that treats thoughts like an emergency/threat. False Comfort, the reassurance seeker that tries to comfort Worried Voice. And finally Wise Mind, the voice of the calm, detached observing self. An example of each voice for the scenario around quitting your stable job to pursue a creative passion would look something like this:
Worried Voice:
“What if you fail? What if you lose your income and can’t recover? People will think you’re irresponsible.”False Comfort Voice:
“You’re fine where you are. Just give it a few more months. You can always do your passion on the side — maybe next year.”Wise Mind:
“You’re afraid, and that’s okay. But what matters is what aligns with your values and long-term growth. Take one step at a time and stay grounded in what matters most.”
That’s a very oversimplified example, and often times, the thoughts aren’t quite as distinct in theme. For a mind new to say, meditation or self-observation, your thoughts will all seem mono-themed. You’ll say, “No that’s just how I think and talk to myself.” But with time and effort you’ll start to be able to parse out subtle differences behind the voices in your head and gain an observing perspective towards the round table of competing thoughts swirling around in your noggin.
One philosophical observation that I heard recently regarding understanding yourself (as it relates to viewing your thoughts) came from Joe Hudson, an executive coach and author of “Art of Accomplishment, on his podcast with Modern Wisdom. He said, “What you want and what you think aren’t you. They can’t be. What you want now, what you want in 2 mins, or in 10 years changes, so by logic that can’t be you. As far as what you think, we can’t control our next thought, we can’t stop our thoughts. They arise unbidden and often contradict each other so that can’t be you either.”
I fully understand that this idea is getting very philosophical, as now that opens the door to what is consciousness, what is a soul, what is a thought etc. That’s not the emphasis here. Rather it’s shining a light on the notion that “you” are the awareness behind experience, not the experience itself.
One of three marks of existence in the Buddhist practice is Anatta (no-self), which teaches that the ‘self,’ as we think of it, is an illusion. We are not our body, thoughts, emotions, or story, as these things are all temporary and constantly changing/evolving. The ‘true you’ is not a thing, but a process of awareness.
The benefits of meditation and self-observation far surpass just being able to identify thoughts, or distance yourself from thoughts, but I want to ensure I’m making it clear that there is this distinction between fundamentally who we are, and what we think. Then as you grow in self-reflection, you will get more comfortable keeping distance between ‘you’ and your thoughts. And consequently, you can then acknowledge different thoughts as considerations/opinions rather than commands that must be obeyed.
I’m guilty of identifying with my thoughts. Of believing I’m synonymous with the voice I hear in my head. Or more specifically, becoming attached to a sole talk track (specific voice), and leaving the other voices by the wayside. I’m writing here to share my story, and showcase the dangers that erupt when a dictator emerges in a republic.
Part 2: Erasing Youthful Bliss
I took that Gallup Survey test when I was 28 years old. The formative years of my brain development were well behind me, and my 28 years were lived through my singular consciousness, so it’s all I know, for better or worse. With that said, I’ve been thinking about the nurture realm of my development and the sources of influence that shaped my ‘inner voices’ and default settings as I navigated the world around me.
Without getting into the nitty gritty of my childhood, the quick synopsis goes something like this. I was a typical boy, playing with trucks, LEGOs, and Star Wars action figures for the first few years of my life. My parents signed me up for youth soccer, lacrosse, and hockey, in which I was often the star player on the team. By elementary school, the trucks were replaced with nerf guns, skateboards, and video games. As one can imagine, my attitudes and efforts towards school were not the focus. Summer reading was a scam, writing cursive was old school, and looking cool in front of the girls, despite them having cooties, trumped academic accolades.
My world changed one spring day during 5th grade.
At the time, I was attending a private elementary school, as my parents thought it would be a worthy investment in my holistic childhood development. Classes were smaller, and there were more resources for students to access on their educational journey. The only downside was they didn’t have lacrosse or hockey teams. So my parents agreed that I could transfer to the local public school the next year in order to be in a school system that had these sports teams. In my 10 year old head, “5th grade didn’t matter and report cards were just paper. Besides, I was getting an athletic scholarship to college.”
So back to that spring day. We had a 4 question math quiz earlier in the week. Something tells me it was on long division or some arithmetic problem solving. Either way, throughout my whole elementary school career, I don’t recall getting numeric grades on assignments. It was sort of like a black box where we would do something, turn it in, and never see it again. Our only feedback on performance occurred when our quarterly report cards showed up in the mail to our parents, and they were alphabetic grades.
For some reason, students got these quizzes back with their numeric scores on the top. It was right at the end of the day, so I grabbed the paper, saw I got 1 out of the 4 questions wrong, walked to the car line where my mom was picking me up, hopped in the shotgun seat, and handed her my quiz. “What was I going to do with it, my parents were the ones that read my report cards not me.” Next thing I hear.
“A 75! YOU GOT A 75! We are going to have a talk about this!” - my mom.
That day changed my life. My perception of the world transformed from one in which I was just living in it care free, everything being handed to me, to one in which I viewed my effort as a source determining the direction of my life. It wasn’t an overnight change, but my attitude towards school shifted 180 degrees by the fall.
From 6th grade till high school graduation I made high honor roll with distinction every quarter (95+ average), graduated Summa Cum Laude with a 3.96 GPA in college, and Cum Laude from a master’s program regarded as the best entrepreneurship school in the country.
If a child psychologist is reading this story, they are probably analyzing and pin-pointing how it aligns with the definition of Parental Conditional Regard that is, when a child thinks that love and acceptance are contingent on performance, which fosters a fragile self-worth tied to achievement. And also, how I was activating neuropsychological feedback loops. That is, associating success with self-worth and achievement. And consequently, becoming hypersensitive to failure: triggering stress and shame responses.
They may be right, but that was never how I perceived my childhood, or how I reflect on it today. Looking back at through all those years, especially high school, I never had a thought that a bad grade would impact my relationship with my parents. It was this internal ego/drive fueled by the belief that if I worked hard I would be rewarded in life. Within reason, I held the belief I could do anything I set my mind to (maybe this is a universal flaw in how our world communicates to children). I wasn’t going to be an NBA superstar as a 5’7’’ white boy, but there is no reason why I couldn’t be the CEO of JP Morgan, a heart surgeon, or the United States Attorney General. At the end of the day, those people are all human so what makes them better/more capable than me?
Just to be clear, that last rhetorical question was what younger me thought. My “wisdom” at 29 now has recalibrated that theory quite a bit. But as my mindset changed in middle school towards a more effort driven approach, and I saw rewards from the behavior shift, I created a world view equation in my mind that made success seem equivalent to effort, and if I kept completing the tasks in front of me I was bound to end up at the top (side note - ‘success’ in my teenage mind meant money and fame; thank God that definition has changed too). If I kept getting A’s in school, I would get into an IVY League college, which was just the last step on the ladder before becoming a money guy on Wall-Street (they only hire the best, right?)
Maybe this view of success was influenced by being raised in a blue collar/working class town where I subconsciously believed the amount of money/recognition one deserves is associated with the amount of work/suffering they are willing to do for their work. If the equation for success is linear based on one variable, my brain leveraged that variable (effort) to the Nth degree.
Thought Experiment: “Imagine a world in which you’re unanimously adored by millions, but you hate yourself. Are you happy? Is it worth it? Now imagine a world where you’re disliked by everybody, but you love yourself. We sacrifice the thing we want (self worth) for the thing which is supposed to get it (validation).” - Chris Williamson
You might laugh, but my younger self went to bed each night focusing on the first line of that thought experiment. Those same child psychologist might read this and conclude my drive for success is my attempt at filling some void I had in my younger years. Who knows. I’m the person I am today due to the life I lived, and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.
I provide this backstory to add some context to the framework my younger self operated under, because it shows the roots of my bias towards effort and the internal motivation highlighted in the “Responsibility Theme.” That bias magnified in my younger adult years when I started getting into self-help books, listening to podcasts, and idolizing Special Forces soldiers.
Part 3: The Rise of a Dictator
One of the first books I read was “Living With a SEAL,” where now famous, David Goggins, gets hired by this entrepreneur millionaire trying to see if he can hang with Goggins’ lifestyle of endless running, push ups, and hard tasks. His motto is, “stay hard.” Soon I was waking up at 4am before classes to get miles in on the treadmill, wearing shorts in the winter, and doing intermittent fasting to ‘toughen myself up.’
Add in some Jocko Willink motivation speeches and books, along with countless other military biographies and stories, and I convinced myself to be respected by the people I respect, I needed to push myself to the limits. I was always fascinated when reading war stories of soldiers staying up for days on end in battle with no food, limited water, injuries, wounds, and they kept fighting. Effort is not something you’re born with, it’s an adaptation you can train your mind to pursue/endure. You always have control of your effort, regardless of the circumstances.
The only easy day was yesterday.
Discipline Equal Freedom.
Nobody cares. Work Harder.
Get comfortable being uncomfortable.
This became my outlook on life. Though I wasn’t trying to go into the military, I took pride in modeling my behavior and mindset off of the individuals who were our nation’s ‘best men’ (very subjective statement, I know).
The Amazon shopping algorithm suggested, “The War of Art,” by Steven Pressfield based on all the other book I had been buying. Naturally I read the summary, since 2002, The War of Art has inspired people around the world to defeat "resistance"; to recognize and knock down dream-blocking barriers and to silence the naysayers within us, and selected next day delivery.
Resistance is the invisible, insidious force that rises whenever you try to grow, create, or pursue a higher calling. It manifests as procrastination, self-doubt, fear, rationalization, perfectionism, and even addiction. It feeds on fear and thrives when you value comfort or approval over your calling.
How to Recognize Resistance:
You delay starting important work.
You feel the need for external validation before you begin or continue.
You hear an inner voice saying:
“I’m not ready yet.”
“This isn’t good enough.”
“I’ll do it tomorrow.”
This book reinforced my bias towards effort, even with ‘knowledge’/academic work. My default setting became taking on challenge, and my internal alarm system blared whenever thoughts of resistance tried to creep in. Any subjective feeling of slowing down or taking a break I labeled as ‘resistance’ and pushed back into it.
“Don’t start writing the paper tomorrow if you have time to write it today.” “If you get comfortable, that means you’re not bettering yourself.”
It’s also worth noting, during my late teens and early twenties, that ‘hustle culture’ became prominent, especially through the social media channels I was following. Individuals like Tim Ferris, Gary Vee, Alex Hormozi, and even a personal favorite of mine, Jordan Peterson, were promoting the ideology that constant activity, ambition, and grinding are the keys to success and self-worth. This hustle culture is rooted in entrepreneurial and capitalist ideals, and encourages individuals, mainly young males, to tie their identity to work performance. Performance that directly correlated to effort.
The downside to social media, is the individuals successful from deploying this strategy get to shout their story to the masses, while those that fail never have a seat at the table. It’s a one sided conversation. I think it’s only natural that you begin comparing yourself to these individuals. And thus, your mind is constantly fixated on the idea that someone out there is outworking you. Someone is waking up earlier than you. Someone is starting their entrepreneurship venture. Someone is doing more than you with less.
That effort (dictator) inner voice/default setting is flipped on the second you wake up.
One ‘hustle culture’ reference that always stuck with me was when Jordan Peterson outlined his view on the Myth of Sisyphus. For those unfamiliar, the story is a Greek myth about a King who gets punished by the gods for his deceit tendencies and ‘cheating death’. The gods condemn him to the eternal, meaningless task of rolling a huge boulder up a hill, only for it to roll back down once it nears the top. The cycle goes on for eternity.
Jordan Peterson drew the analogy that life is suffering; the boulder is real. He agrees that life has a fundamental component of struggle and pain to it, but rather than accepting that absurdity, we should confront it with responsibility and purpose. That is, ‘pick up our cross’ and ‘shoulder the load’. We can’t escape the suffering, but we can choose to carry it willingly, transforming that suffering into nobility and meaning. It’s meaning that is worth pursuing, not happiness, and thus the antidote to suffering. Jordan says that meaning is found in the struggle towards improvement, and that it is our moral responsibility to carry the heaviest load we can.
“The purpose of life is finding the largest burden that you can bear and bearing it.” - Jordan Peterson
One trait that I picked up from my mom, was sacrifice (I’ll tie it back to bearing your burdens, just you wait). My whole life I don’t think I ever heard the following phrases come out of her mouth “I can’t do…, I don’t have time for…, I’m too exhausted to…”.
We had a home cooked dinner as a family every night during school. The laundry was always magically done. House spotless. If I needed an appointment somewhere, I tell my mom and next thing you know it’s scheduled. Package to return, mom took care of it. Need something at the store, mom’s on it. Oh, and not to mention she is a full time teacher, who coaches sports year round.
It wasn’t until I started living on my own that I could truly appreciate the totality of how amazing my mom is. Realizing how much work and effort went into some of these tasks that I never had to do. I don’t know about you, but I could do without the dread and anxiety that accompanies needing to call on office to schedule an appointment or contacting customer service for some return discrepancy.
She sacrificed so much because of her love for her family. Her sacrifice had meaning to her. She wanted her kids to have a life better than hers. The American Dream. Thank you mom<3
I think sacrifice is also a trait that I envied in the military stories. It was the foundation to all the men. They did the hard work no one else could so that Americans, and humans around the world could enjoy a free life. They didn’t do it for the pay, for the prestige. They had a moralistic view that good guys need to defeat evil, and they signed up to foot the bill.
Between picking up on that trait from my mom, and infusing my brain with story after story of military heroic sacrifice, it’s not surprising that a core tenant of my demeanor was modeled around this behavior.
The problem comes when suffering masquerades as sacrifice. You think you are finding meaning in the sacrifice, but when the light of truth hits it, you realize the hollow abyss of pain you were subjecting yourself to. You weren’t sacrificing for some positive outcome, you were rewarding yourself for experiencing pain. A dangerous phrase I found myself repeating: "I’ll suffer so others don’t have to. My tolerance for emotional discomfort is high, so I rather take on the hardships of the world so that others can be happy. I’ll sacrifice my happiness for theirs.”
I used this phrase in a previous article, but it’s so powerful that I wanted to share it again.
“There is no reward for breaking yourself to pieces.”
Chris Williamson discussed with Cam Hanes on his Modern Wisdom podcast last week the quote by Viktor Frankl, “When a man can’t find a deep sense of meaning, they distract themselves with pleasure.” But Chris offered an insightful observation, that there are individuals who fulfill the inverse of that quote. People who can’t find pleasure in life, so they distract themselves with meaning. Individuals who strive under the notion that infinitely delaying gratification is the answer.
If you’ve made it this far in the article, you probably see how it felt like one of those mascot big foam finger being directed right towards me when I heard that. I took the Sisyphus analogy from Jordan Peterson and ran with it on a runaway train leading towards personal anguish. “All the suffering will pay off, just keep working hard. Bear the biggest burden possible Mitch. The more you suffer/sacrifice the bigger the success.”
This outlook even wove it’s way into my faith. When reading the bible every morning, I was internalizing religious teachings, not as a liberating grace, but as a suffocating law (despite reading the chapters specifically outlining how Pharisees and Sadducees were missing the very essence of Jesus). I even accepted that I would never be perfect, Jesus was the only one who was perfect. The paradox to that reflection was it left me susceptible to exploring the endless ways I could be better.
I could always be holier. I could sin less. I could tithe more. I could spend more time with God. I could share the Gospel with more people. I could spend more time in the Word.
“If I truly believe in God, why do I still spend more time and energy admiring other idols in my life, and not him? That must mean I don’t walk the walk, so I’m a hypocrite. I must do better.”
It was this perception that, because I was consciously aware of my actions, and made a commitment to God, that deviating from God’s will, law, and desires, meant he would be disappointed in me every time because I was choosing something other than Him. I confessed to him that I knew his teachings would make me a better man, so each time I fell short it felt like a God was shaking his head in disapproval.
Not to mention, one of the early Christian books I read was “In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day,” by Mark Batterson. Mark’s themes in the book talk about how God-given opportunities will look like fear and doubt, but that we should run towards them. Faith requires risk and discomfort - God calls people into the wild, not into safety. Faith isn’t passive or timid; it’s courage and bold. We must reframe adversity as part of God’s preparation process.
Here’s how I read it:
“If I’m not constantly taking bold risks for God, I’m failing Him.”
“Rest, doubt, or emotional struggle are signs of spiritual weakness.”
“God’s will is always scary — so if I’m comfortable, I must be disobedient.”
“I should feel guilty if I’m not doing something radical, hard, or public.”
I don’t want to get into the nuances of each sect of Christianity or argue one view is better than another. At the end of the day, Christianity is the belief that God created us out of love and made a way to restore our broken relationship with Him. Jesus Christ, God's Son, lived a perfect life, died on the cross for our sins, and rose again to defeat death. Through His sacrifice, we are forgiven and made right with God — not by our own efforts, but by His grace. We are saved through faith in Jesus, not by works, so that no one can boast. In response to that gift, we live in freedom, love, and purpose, empowered by the Holy Spirit. (I know this but can’t fully accept it)
Just to cap it all off, let’s add in some scientific facts that emphasize effort and work. Andrew Huberman explains in a few of his podcasts that dopamine levels rise in anticipation of a goal, propelling us to take action. Importantly, he notes that initiating an activity can itself trigger dopamine release, which then sustains and enhances motivation as we continue the task. Therefore, rather than waiting for the perfect moment or a surge of inspiration to start something, Huberman suggests that taking the first step can activate the neural circuits associated with motivation, making the process of continued effort more manageable and rewarding.
For the last 15 years, the inner voice in my head that had the last say or that was prioritized at any cross roads, was that inner dictator that used harsh language to drive results. That inner voice that emphasized the word “should” and “shouldn’t” hundreds of times each day to coerce me into action.
I would mentally start whipping myself for not starting projects/tasks. Because in my head I knew, scientifically, there was never a right time to start something. Huberman says that it’s the pursuit of something that actually triggers the dopamine. So I need to start it in order to feel good. If you’re going to start it, start it now. Waiting is only wasting time.
And if I didn’t start it, I feared I had corrupted my value and my self worth, that was so tied to being the one who could always be counted on to put in effort. That was strong willed mentally to push forward in the face of adversity. It was a lose-lose scenario. Not only was I not getting any work done, I wasn’t resting and rejuvenating either because I was too busy beating myself up for not getting any work done. The double edge sword of the ‘responsibility theme’ in full effect. I refer to this mental environment as ‘psychological quicksand’ because all the effort being expended is only hurting you. True relaxation is the only thing that lifts you out of the sand.
My logic also went something like this. Fundamentally nothing changes if nothing changes and habits are extremely powerful. Each day is your chance to enforce a habit or lose momentum. As C.S. Lewis says in Mere Christianity, "Good and evil both increase at compound interest. That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance”, and as James Clear demonstrates in this graph.
I feared I wouldn’t be able to change my behavior tomorrow if I gave into rest today. For I believed whole heartedly that each moment defined my future. The science of habit formation tends to reward consistency. So I convinced myself: no days off
A similar train of thought to this concept plays out like this. “Ok Mitch, in 10 years time, what do you want to achieve? Ok, what can you do today to work towards that? Ok do it. Oh and remember, if you don’t do it today, and you repeat today for the next week, the next month, the next year, you’ll never get any closer. Today defines whether you get there or not. You can only live in the present.”
I create these microcosms of the world through my days/weeks and then use them as the predicting elements of my future. Much like we use historical data to predict future trends, I look at my past and use that as the benchmark for whether the future will unfold the way I intend it to (warning: false logic present).
I realize now, that’s just a fear of uncertainty (a common fear of those with OCD). And me having anxiety about habit stacking and habit formation was really me trying to find certainty. I was trying to stack the odds in my favor of my future self by leveraging habits, since I didn’t have faith in my moment to moment motivation/willpower/thoughts. Or rather, wanted my biology/psychology to be on the “good side” at the time of judgement (the arbitrary future).
Part 4: A Revolution for Good
From that little boy in 5th grade who just wanted to buy big houses and drive fast cars, I had come a long way in terms of redefining my self worth in the world, and the aspirations I felt encompassed a life well lived. I’m proud of myself for developing the character and personality that can be dependable. And for developing an affinity towards effort and action. And lastly, I thank God for the gift of self-reflection to ‘correct’ my paths along this journey.
It is with that reflection, that I humbly acknowledge I suffer from Internal Dictator Syndrome (IDS). I’ll admit, I came up with that term as I was trying to think of a pithy title for this article, but the key component driving me to write here, and come to terms with dominating internal voice, was from the Joe Hudson podcast with Chris Williamson (linked below).
One of the main topics of conversation on this episode revolved around negative self talk. Joe said “If you have a voice in your head that is constantly criticizing and attacking you, that is constant stress. That’s a war zone.” He goes on to explain that when we are constantly under attack from our own thoughts and expectations we are going to be exhausted. This sort of incentive thinking to drive action is referred to by Joe as ‘dirty fuel.’ It works, and you can perform, but it is not sustainable and will lead to burnout.
Joe’s business works with many CEOs and start up entrepreneurs, and he says that those individuals that rely on ‘dirty fuel’ to grow and run their business are the ones that can’t wait to sell it off and go to the beach. They don’t love what they do, they simply are outcome driven and worry about their performance.
This phenomenon is captured by Chris in another one of his newsletter essays that he calls ‘The Insecure Overachiever’ (a potential symptom that can indicate IDS). Chris says the mindset of an Insecure Overachiever reflects the following, “When faced with a challenge, your nature might be to worry and obsess and grip tightly. Because worrying is so common in every pursuit you attempt, your successes are seen as proof that worrying is a performance enhancer, and your failures are proof that you should have worried all along.” Or as Andrew Wilkinson says, “A walking anxiety disorder harnessed for productivity.”
“You can look back on a great run of miserable successes, or actually try to embrace some enjoyment.” - Chris Williamson
Chris goes on to say that he doesn’t think fear is aiding the performance of those individuals, it’s really just habits and experience that are dictating the outcomes. So the fear might be somewhat beneficial to spark project commencement, but it can’t be the fuel that propels it forward into the distant future.
Arthur Brooks in his newsletter recently made comments that align with the to ‘Insecure Overachiever’ observation, and that feed into the whole Internal Dictator Syndrome paradigm. He said, “Fear of failure is especially harsh for high-performing people because success is often their self-imposed identity. As such, failure in school, work, or marriage is almost like a death fear. You wouldn’t know it from their confident exterior, but their are often tortured souls.” That last line, tortured souls cut so deep with me, and reflects the exact same conclusions Joe Hudson makes about those who constantly have a dominating negative inner voice.
Brooks goes on to explain how the fear of failure is a poison for individual happiness because it can steer us away from life’s joys and adventures, and discourages us from taking risks. His antidote is not to shut up the voice of fear, rather give room for the voice of courage to balance it out. He says, “Instead of avoiding the source of your fear even in your own mind, spend time each day visualizing scary scenarios, including possible failures. Picture yourself acting with courage, despite the fear.”
Joe Hudson’s antidote for the negative inner voice is very similar. The first is switching from a mindset of ‘self-improvement’ to one of ‘self-understanding.’ He poses the rhetorical question, ‘Think of five things you told yourself you should do in the last 10 years and haven’t?” When you reflect on them, there is shame associated with it. A self-improvement mindset is rally shaming yourself into improvement. It’s mental abuse. It’s that repetition of words “should” and “shouldn’t” in your thought vocabulary.
Joe makes the comment that any time we try to force ourselves to do something it will be resisted (which just happens to align with Newton’s Third Law of Physics). Especially a force that is viewed as oppression. That force of self-improvement will be feel like a force of oppression, and it is impossible to love anything that you feel oppresses you. It’s just not in the human DNA to be able to do that. Thus, a self-improvement mindset will stagnate your growth and happiness.
Self-understanding rather is exploring yourself through a lens of curiosity and emotional clarity. Emotional clarity is the outcome of inviting, and welcoming in your full range of emotions and establishing boundaries for yourself. Instead of trying to eliminate certain feelings, and promote others, see if you can identify the source of that emotion. Is it a certain voice in your head that is trying to speak up but isn’t getting the time of day? Or is it the result of another voice being the dominating party in the room?
This is also where a bit of grace can be offered to yourself. We are only human. C.S. Lewis in the opening pages of “Mere Christianity” outlines what he calls The Law of Nature, where he explains how humans all over the world have an idea that they ‘ought to’ behave a certain way. To which his next observation is, “but they do in fact not behave that way.”
I was talking with a buddy of mine who had been trying to get into a routine of meditating in the morning with the calm app. He said, “I feel better every time I do it, but it’s been two weeks since I’ve opened it and I’m not sure why.” I instantly related because I have those same patterns of behavior in various aspects of my own life. That’s just the world we live in. Embrace it, don’t fight it.
The last golden nugget from the podcast Joe Hudson on Modern Wisdom was his reflection on realizing enjoyment was what lead to efficiency. His analogy references how a fast car is not an efficient car. An efficient car is a car that uses less fuel. Enjoyment is how we know we are using less fuel. Think of how much more you can get done when you’re in flow states, in your zone vs. when you feel compelled to do something.
Enjoyment isn’t necessarily what you’re doing, but how you’re doing it. No matter what we are doing, Joe says 20% of the time we probably won’t be enjoying ourselves unless we learn how to enjoy whatever it is we are doing. Ask yourself, regardless of what you are doing, “How can I enjoy this moment 10% more?” That question itself will help increase your efficiency. It’s not about controlling your environment into enjoyment, but learning how to enjoy your experience in that environment. The environment and your framing of the experience in said environment are two levers that can be pulled to enhance your efficiency.
“I still find myself with this sense that success has to be earned. And the only way to earn it is to inflict pain on yourself. And if you’re not in pain you didn’t try hard enough. And it would have been better if you’d suffered more. And I think that’s a lie, and I want to find out if it’s a lie or if it’s true.” — Rich Roll
One last tool in the toolkit that I’ve been leveraging as I combat my own Internal Dictator Syndrome, is the KIST method promoted by Martha Beck. KIST stands for, Kind-Internal-Self-Talk, which is basically meta meditation/loving kindness meditation towards the self.
It entails looking at any part of you, any frightened part of you and saying "I've got you, may you be well, may you be free from suffering, may you be happy, may you be safe and protected, I'm here, you're alright, there is no danger in the room.”
That inner dictator is probably thriving because of an overcharged amygdala (fear center in the brain) which may be due to no fault of your own. There is no need to fight it and contend with its powers. Rather, show it love to help it return to baseline. Don’t tell that inner voice to shut up, instead welcome it. Ask it to tell you everything, and let it know that it’s going to be ok. That you’re there for it.
You would never try comfort a lost child or a wild animal by shouting back at it or manipulating it into submission, so then why do we try that so often when we are trying to comfort ourselves?
“Wisdom is a matter of making your mind your friend.” - Sam Harris
As you strengthen your loving kindness muscles, you’ll have an easier time tapping into the ‘self’ - that always companionate, courageous, curious, and creative awareness that was mentioned in the beginning of this essay. Once that ‘self’ starts to talk to you, you’re on your way out of the woods, and towards healing.
Beck says that we must love ourselves despite our shortcomings, and love yourself for hating the part of you that hates that you have shortcomings.
Closing Reflection
As I wrote this article, I suffered from all the negative thinking and anxieties that accompanies Internal Dictator Syndrome. I wrote this piece for myself as part of the healing process, and as a guide to refer back to in the times I get struck, or gripped by my old ways.
I had moments were I just wanted the article to be over so I didn’t have to deal with the angst of wondering if I would have the willpower to keep writing. Or the fear that I wouldn’t be able to connect certain references of work in a way that was comprehendible for a reader other than me. Or that I was wasting time producing something the world wouldn’t value.
I had to constantly keep referring back to the quotes I outlined above, and the guides for navigating negative self-talk. It was reminding myself that I don’t ‘have to’ write anything. Reframing in my mind that writing for TCM shouldn’t be something I ‘ought’ to do, rather it’s something I want to do. Something I enjoy doing.
Deep down, I knew producing an article wasn’t the goal. Writing this was just the medium I needed to process my thoughts. To reflect. To slow down my thinking and allow all the voices of my psych to have a say at the table. That was what I ultimately wanted, because that is what would allow me to understand myself fully.