Cross the Bridge When You Get There

It’s not uncertainty that gives you anxiety, it’s your perception of that uncertainty.

In my first post on this website, “How It All Started,” I outlined how some of the struggles that manifested in my life senior year of college sparked my journey to investigate a holistic spectrum of health practices. And that was all in an effort to understand myself better and experiment with new information/inputs to see how they affected my wellbeing. Though this is all 100% true, one element that I never mentioned in that article was that I was experimenting in the hopes that I could find the formula for ‘perfecting my life.’ It’s silly to say now because it’s such an obscure phrase, but it was such a core tenement (though wrongly) of the path I was pursuing. At the time, my definition of a ‘perfect life’ was one free of anxiety.

In some of my darkest hours, I’ll admit it was hard to get out of bed and hard to find joy in the day. But not every moment was to that level of doom and gloom. It was in the manageable portions that I found the motivation to continue searching for answers and actions I could take to improve my wellbeing. Where my 20-20 hindsight perspective is able to add wisdom is in understanding that building my perfect day, free of anxiety/stress, isn’t the anecdote to the struggles of life. And that my perception of anxiety drastically changes my ability to manage it and grow from it.

What do I mean? Well, my approach (before) to a better life was in a sense, the endless pursuit of finding ways to build up walls to anxiety and stressors in the hopes of always being protected against their destructive presence. If I could do everything in my power to limit their influence on my life I would be set to then venture out into the world. This meant I needed to optimize my sleep, cut out alcohol, get morning sunlight, set my circadian rhythm appropriately, dial in my nutrition etc. At face value, these are all GREAT things to do don’t get me wrong. My problem, was that I then became paranoid that anytime I didn’t have one of the identified metrics in check, I was bound to have a bad day.

I worried that if I wasn’t disciplined in maintaining all these levers I thought set me up for success, that I would then be susceptible to anxiety and all the corresponding hurdles that came with it. At which point the day would then be a wash for me or worse, the anxieties would cascade into a panic attack leaving me scarred indefinitely into the future. Sometimes the anxiety became a self-fulfilling prophecy in the sense that when I didn’t maintain a lever, I started being an ‘anxiety vigilante’ and looking for anxiety before it ever came because I assumed without the wall fortified against that source of anxiety it would enter my castle. But by searching for it, I in effect created it.

Looking back on it all now, I lived in fear of anxiety. This is not to say that I didn’t learn about different coping mechanisms and strategies during my journey, or see net positive effects of practicing breath work and cutting out alcohol. But I actively sought to avoid anxiety. I was under the impression of needing to be perfect now, for my future self to have the best shot at not dealing with unnecessary adversity. Work hard to avoid anxiety now, so the future doesn’t have it. Build the walls as high and as strong as I can so I’m always prepared.

About a month ago I realized how much I was letting the ‘fear’ of not being perfect linger in my consciousness and impact the decisions I made day-to-day.

A few weeks prior to the realization mentioned above, I was informed that I would be leading an overnight training at work for a whole week. My hours were going to be 11pm-5am Monday through Friday for that whole week. Yes, vampire hours for the guy used to his normal 9-5, with a healthy 8 hours of sleep every night. Immediately the anxiety set in with my self talk.

“That’s past my bedtime. I won’t get any sleep. I won’t be able to function without my proper sleep. I’m not going to be able to perform at work without adequate sleep. My anxiety will be high without sleep, so I might have uncontrollable stress trying to lead the training, and I might fail the class participants.”

All that talk of the fictitious future was stirring up emotions in my present conscious self. This “impending doom” mindset was not coexisting well with some other life events that were taking place for me. For the next week I felt this ambient sense of weight and responsibility on my shoulders. And in a sense, my world felt restricted. I knew I wasn’t tied down, but the default settings of my brain switched to what I can only describe as ‘low power, preservation mode’. Don’t push outside the boundaries of what you know. Brace yourself. Do too much and the anxiety will penetrate because you’re run down.

I was also embracing this ‘obligation’ mindset that was causing further internal turmoil. I would sit down, look at my planner for the week and subconsciously note the days/moments in the days future that I needed to be ‘switched on.’ Meaning, when did I need to be performing at my best for the sake of personal betterment (fitness, reading writing), financial obligations (work), or commitments to others (coaching, dog sitting, extracurriculars). I would note these events coming up in my future and then structure my present to get ready for them. In a sense, these were events I felt like I needed my anxiety castle fortified for because I didn’t want to let myself down, or others down.

It’s interesting because through this all, I’ve understood that you can’t crush every day. That some days you will have more gas in the tank. But I still held myself to the standard that I needed to maximize whatever gas I did have in the tank on that given day and/or find ways to ensure I had the biggest tank of gas on any given day.

I was living in the future for the future. At the same time. At no point was I present in my present moment just for the sake of it. It all had to be calculated to set some future version of myself up for success.

“What is worry, at its core, but the activity of a mind attempting to picture every single bridge that might possible have to be crossed in future, then trying to figure out how to cross it.” - Oliver Burkeman

And what happened was I started viewing hobbies and little enjoyments as tasks. No longer was the 2 mile hike with my dog pleasure, but a necessity. Because I worried my caregiver anxiety would erupt if I didn’t give him his typical amount of exercise.

Instead of looking forward to coaching CrossFit in the morning, it was block on my calendar highlighted in warning signs saying, “4:30am wake up today, be on the look out for lack of sleep anxiety creeping in.” Even the littlest things like emptying the dishwasher or folding laundry felt like these never ending burdens that were soon to break the camel’s back. (Mind you I normally like doing some of these mundane tasks because it makes me feel human and gives me an item to add in the ‘done’ column to the day, which makes me feel better about myself.)

“What is anxiety?’ It is the next day. With whom, then, does the pagan content in anxiety? With himself, with a delusion, because the next day is a powerless nothing if you yourself do not give it your strength.” -Soren Kierkegaard

I was proud of myself for picking up on this attitude shift that was becoming more apparent since being assigned this night class. I’m very introspective and I noticed a change in my demeanor and outlook on life fairly quickly. I acknowledged pretty much everything I’ve written above on a call with my sister, but I still didn’t really know what needed to change. Life seemed to emulate the story of the Greek mythology character Sisyphus. A struggle with no end in sight.

Then one day, I was scrolling through instagram when I came across this post, and it turned a new leaf for me.

We have all heard the quotes and songs about how time flies so we need to enjoy it in the moment. But I think we are more susceptible to this way of thinking, and waiting for things to be over. “I can’t wait for this day to be over.” “I can’t wait for this training to be over.” “I can’t wait for this presentation to be over.” “I can’t wait for… to be over”

We have all said it, and we have all heard it. It took this quote, and that moment in time, with the context of a future overnight training course, for me to reframe my approach to previous moments I wished to be over. Time is the most precious commodity we are given in life. After reading this quote, I was/am eager to not let it be wasted during the these times I used to wish just flew by.

In a weird sense, when we use the terminology of “wait for things to be over” we are creating a life in which we don’t believe our ‘real’ life begins until we are done fulfilling our obligations. As if the busy parts in our day we don’t really want to do are just the mandatory trade-offs we must accept as humans to have a shot at fulfillment/enjoyment at some point in the future. That parts of our day don’t deserve our full attention and we should go in auto-pilot during them.

One way this manifests is that we are always in such a hurry as humans. We want to eliminate any fluff in our day, streamline the process, and get from A to B as quickly as we can. Hence why traffic is such a nuisance. You rush home from work. Beep your horn at an old lady. Get flustered at the store clerk for not scanning your groceries faster. But then on Sunday you get this notification on our phone that said you averaged 4 hours a day on your phone that week.

Did you ever think that maybe you could enjoy the drive home. Have empathy for a grandmother going to see her new grandchild? Or have a conversation with someone who probably was rounding out the end of their shift? You missed all that because you couldn’t wait for those moments of your day to be over. Couldn’t wait to rush to the outlets we use to distract ourselves from the present. Couldn’t wait to to be unfulfilled by doom strolling on your phone.

Ask yourself, why do you want something to be over? What about that event/moment causes you to want to neglect it’s existence? What is it I’m rushing to do?

I think part of why we want certain things to be over is because we feel as though they aren’t in our control. As humans we have a tendency to want to exert greater control over the components of our life in the hopes we benefit from it. Oliver Burkeman, in the prologue to his book, ‘Meditation for Mortals’ says, “Everyday experience, along with centuries of philosophical reflection, attests to the fact that a fulfilling and accomplished life isn’t a matter of exerting ever more control. It’s not about making things more predictable and secure, until you can finally relax. A football match is exciting because you don’t know who’ll win; a field of intellectual study is absorbing because you don’t yet have a handle on it all. The greatest achievements often involve remaining open to serendipity, seizing unplanned opportunities, or doing unexpected bursts of motivation.”

I don’t think I’m off in saying that the majority of us humans tend to view uncertainty from an anxiety perspective. The unknown causes negative emotions and judgement even though at face value, uncertainty is indifferent. It’s just a series of chemical reactions in your body. How your conscience interprets those chemicals though, tends to be biased towards the negative end of the emotion spectrum.

One piece of advice I picked up on over the years that I continue to implement in my life for when the anxiety/uncertainty is striking on the more negative end of your emotion spectrum, is treating anxiety like a wave in the ocean. As the waves come in you have two options, you can either go with the flow of it, or brace hard and stand your ground. When you go with the flow of it, things remain more calm and relaxed. It’s when you brace for it that you get hit like a brick wall and feel banged up after. Next time the negative emotions of anxiety become present, don’t look for ways to quickly get rid of them. Embrace them for what they are, welcome them, and you’ll notice that paradoxically they tend to dissipate sooner.

But as Oliver Burkeman says in the previous quote above, and preaches throughout his book, is that life is meant to be lived within the uncertainty. That’s where we experience the full range of emotions that make us human. One example I like to point out is sports games. The unknown outcome is what entices us to watch, get invested, and celebrate. If sports were predictable we would never bother to care.

As fate would have it, very soon after reading his book, I was listening to a podcast with Lex Friedman and Jordan Peterson that had recently been released. Both are individuals I’ve talked about on this website before. It was their exchange on the core theme within the Passion story of Abraham in the bible that struck home for me. Jordan said, “There is no distinction between the true adventure of life and taking on the pathway of maximal responsibility and burden of life. The counter hypothesis to this statement is ‘well the best thing for you to do in your life is to shrink from all challenge and hide; remain infantile, remain secure, never push yourself beyond your limits, don’t take risks - no one thinks that hypothesis is true. The hardest possible available adventure voluntarily undertaken. That’s the meaning of life.”

Two things to note there. The counter hypothesis statement is universally accepted if you ask any human. No one would say the best life is one lived in confinement, void of adventure. So by using inverse logic, the hardest possible available adventure voluntarily undertaken has truth to it.

“Can you imagine yourself in 10 years if instead of avoiding the things you know you should do, you actually did them every single day? That’s powerful.” -Jordan Peterson

The pursuit of eliminating uncertainty won’t move your life fulfillment meter any further to the right. Building walls to anxiety and fearing it’s effects will rob you of the present and lessons that could be learned. As daunting as it can seem to face down the beast ahead of you, that journey will ultimately bring you the meaning you crave in this world.

Not only have I now eliminated the phase “can’t wait to be over,” I don’t get defensive against moments of anxiety. I can tell myself there is an element of being human in this moment that I can cherish and experience. Sure it might feel unpleasant, but it’s an opportunity for me to learn or grow so that the next time I potentially have to ‘cross that bridge’ I have experience/wisdom on my side as I navigate it.

I think back to all the trials and tribulations I’ve successfully navigated (I am still standing here now to talk about it), and realize I’m equipped to handle a pleather of unknowns that might besiege my present moment.

The weekend prior to doing this overnight training I intended to phase delay my internal clock in an attempt to limit the strain of the late nights. If I could get my body used to staying up to midnight and sleeping in then once the training starts I figured I’ll already be somewhat used to that feeling. At least that was the wishful thinking I had at the time. The biggest revelation I experienced was the mental release and freedom of letting go of a lever I used to hold so tightly.

Even when I didn’t have an event the next day that required me to “be on” or an obligation to fulfill, I was still very conscious of the clock at night. From years of pursuing optimal sleep, it’s almost engrained in me that once the clock strikes 10pm I need to be in bed. Even on a weekend.

But after a week of sub-optimal sleep, paired with a mindset of embracing uncertainty, I realized that my obsession with maintaining that sleep lever was extremely overvalued relative to the reality of the future that actually unfolded. My worries were unsupported by the facts of my experience. I’m not going to sit here and say we should never try to get a healthy amount of sleep. But I believe our resilience as humans is often undervalued, and we don’t give ourselves credit for the feats we can accomplish, regardless of how well we were prepared for them. And we don’t give ourselves credit for how many obstacles we have overcome to get to our present moment now.

---

TLDR

Takeaway 1: Don’t let the future dominate your present. It’s ok to have plans, and be aware of what’s coming down your pipeline, but don’t lose sight over the fact that as humans we are confined to the temporal locality of the present. No matter how hard we try to peer over the fence into the future to see if everything is going to be ok, it’s still out of reach. Just because certainty about the future is off the table, though, it doesn’t mean you can’t feel confident in your ability to deal with the future when it does eventually arrive.

Takeaway 2: It’s not uncertainty that gives you anxiety, it’s your perception of that uncertainty that gives you anxiety. In moments that you normally say “I can’t wait for this to be over,” instead ask yourself “what can I learn/appreciate during this?” Devote less energy to manipulating the future, and have more faith in your capacity to handle things once the challenge actually arrives. Life isn’t meant to be lived in a controlled environment.